Why 'Good Job' Might Be Holding People Back =========================================== We dug into Jordan Montgomery's The Art of Encouragement and it completely changed how we think about praise. Turns out 'good job' isn't the same as giving someone courage, and the difference matters more than you'd think. ---------------------------------------- SAM: Hey everyone, welcome to 7 Minute Books. I'm Sam, and today we're talking about The Art of Encouragement by Jordan Montgomery. Sophie, I have to ask, because this one really got under my skin. Did you realize there's a difference between encouragement and praise? SOPHIE: Hey there Sam, I'm glad we're doing this one, because it's one of those books that quietly rearranges how you talk to people. Montgomery's whole argument is that we've misunderstood encouragement. We think it's a pat on the back, but it's actually a practice. And the praise versus encouragement distinction is where he starts. SAM: Okay, so break that down for me, because I always thought they were the same thing. SOPHIE: Praise focuses on outcomes and evaluations. It says things like 'good job' or 'you're so talented.' Encouragement focuses on effort, growth, and intrinsic worth. It says 'I see how hard you worked' or 'look at how much you've learned.' The first one creates dependency on external validation. The second one builds internal strength. SAM: That's wild, because I've definitely been a 'good job' person my whole life. I thought I was being supportive. SOPHIE: And that's exactly the trap Montgomery describes. He calls it the approval trap. When we praise outcomes, people start chasing the praise instead of the growth. They lose touch with their own internal compass because they're always looking outward for the grade. SAM: So the book isn't saying don't be positive. It's saying be positive about the right things. SOPHIE: Exactly. And he traces the word back to its Latin root, where encouragement literally means 'to give heart' or 'to put courage into.' That reframes the whole thing. It's not about making someone feel good in the moment. It's about giving them the courage to face what's ahead. SAM: I love that, because it means encouragement is actually harder than praise. Praise is easy. You just say something nice. Giving someone courage requires you to actually know them. SOPHIE: Right, and that leads into his framework. He breaks encouragement into four components, and they build on each other. The first one is seeing. Truly noticing another person's efforts, their struggles, their growth. SAM: And he argues most of us are terrible at that, which honestly, yeah. I'm usually thinking about what I'm going to say next instead of actually seeing the person in front of me. SOPHIE: He says genuine seeing requires setting aside your own agenda and being fully present. Noticing not just the successes but the attempts. Not just the strengths but the courage it took to face a weakness. SAM: Then the second one is believing, right? Which sounds simple but he's careful about it. SOPHIE: Yeah, believing is communicating faith in someone's potential even when they can't see it themselves. But he's clear that it has to be authentic. People can sense when you're just saying what they want to hear, and insincere belief actually does more harm than good. SAM: That resonated with me, because I've been on the receiving end of fake encouragement. It feels worse than no encouragement at all. SOPHIE: Then the third component is connecting, which is about creating shared humanity and mutual respect. Montgomery argues you can't effectively encourage someone you don't genuinely care about. And attempts to encourage from a position of superiority tend to backfire. SAM: So it's not about being the wise mentor on the mountaintop. It's about standing beside someone as an equal. SOPHIE: Exactly, and that sets up the fourth component, which is the one that surprised me most. It's challenging. SAM: Wait, challenging? That feels counterintuitive. I thought encouragement was supposed to be comforting. SOPHIE: That's what I thought too, but Montgomery argues that genuine encouragement doesn't just comfort. It also calls people to grow beyond their current limitations. It says 'I know this is hard, and I also know you can do it.' It combines acceptance with expectation. SAM: Okay, that actually makes sense. The people who believed in me most were the ones who pushed me, not the ones who just told me I was fine. SOPHIE: And he applies this to kids too. He critiques parenting approaches that rely heavily on praise and rewards, because those can undermine intrinsic motivation. Instead he suggests focusing on effort rather than outcomes, letting children struggle in safe environments, and communicating unconditional regard that isn't contingent on performance. SAM: I actually pushed back on this when I first read it, because I thought, come on, and kids need praise. But the more I sat with it, the more I realized he's not saying withhold warmth. He's saying be specific and honest about what you're actually affirming. SOPHIE: Right, and he makes the same case for workplaces. He argues encouragement is one of the most underutilized tools for building effective teams. Leaders who master it create cultures where people feel safe to take risks and honest enough to admit mistakes. SAM: And that connects to his chapter on criticism, which I thought was really nuanced. He doesn't say avoid hard conversations. He says criticism can actually be encouraging when it comes from genuine care. SOPHIE: He calls it constructive encouragement. The key is intention and delivery. When feedback comes from a place of belief in someone's potential, it communicates that you think they're capable of more. When it comes from frustration or a desire to control, it discourages no matter how gently you phrase it. SAM: There's also this idea in the book about the encouragement deficit in modern society, which felt really timely. We're drowning in likes and feedback but starved for genuine encouragement. SOPHIE: He argues we've confused quantity with quality. More positive feedback isn't always better. Too much praise can actually decrease motivation, especially when it feels insincere or creates pressure to maintain an image. What people actually need is presence, not more words. SAM: And then there's the part about people who resist encouragement, which I found really moving. Some people have been so wounded that they push it away. SOPHIE: Montgomery recommends patience and consistency for those people. Instead of trying to convince them of their worth through words, you demonstrate it through your presence. You stick with them. You don't give up on them even when they push you away. SAM: That's the part that got me, honestly. The idea that sometimes the most encouraging thing you can do is just stay. SOPHIE: And he ties it all together with this idea that encouragement isn't just a technique. It's a way of being. It starts with how you treat yourself. You can't genuinely encourage others if you're constantly diminishing yourself. SAM: So the book ends with self-encouragement as a discipline. Learning to speak to yourself the way you'd speak to someone you deeply care about. SOPHIE: Which is harder than it sounds, but it's the foundation. Montgomery says we cannot give what we do not have. SAM: The one thing I'm taking away from this is that encouragement is an action, not a feeling. It's not about cheering someone on from the sidelines. It's about seeing them, believing in them, connecting with them, and challenging them to grow. And it starts with doing that for yourself. SOPHIE: And if you want to go deeper, the whole library is over at 7minutebooks.com/app. There are over 6,000 fiction and nonfiction titles you can read or listen to in any language, and it starts at $2.99 a month, $9.99 a year, or $19.99 once for lifetime access. SOPHIE: The Art of Encouragement is ultimately about hope, the belief that people can grow and become more than they currently are, and that we all have the power to contribute to that growth. We'll see you in the next one.